Friday, March 25, 2011
Trusting God When I Can't See Around the Corner
I have wanted to be a nurse since I was a child. My sister was in Children's Hospital of Philadelphia when she was a little girl. I loved visiting her there. The children's hospital was amazing. I remember seeing a little girl named Justine who was in the same room as Megan. She was 2 years old and was getting breathing treatments every few hours. One nurse came in to give her a breathing treatment. The little girl was scared and crying. The nurse had no compassion and held her still and made her breathe the medicine while she was screaming and scared. The next nurse that came in to give the breathing treatment was great. She saw that the little girl was scared and so played games and made it a fun thing for her. I loved seeing how a nurses approach made all the difference in the world to a child. That made such an impact on me. I chose at that moment to be a nurse when I grew up. No child should ever have to have a bad nurse and I wanted to be the best nurse I could be so that my patients would have a good experience.
I held onto that dream and made it a reality. Eight years ago in June I became a NICU nurse. Eight years ago I found the best job in the world. I love what I do and I love the people that I work with. Up until now I thought this is what I would be doing until I retired as a gray hair old lady. Up until now. Now I'm not sure whether or not I'll ever be able to work in the NICU again.
Awhile ago my nemesis, the NeoBlue Bili lights, entered our unit. For whatever reason, the lights hate me. And I hate them. Ok, it is mutual. . . We hate each other. Every time I see the lights I get sick with in 2-3 minutes. I get an instant migraine which causes my stomach to hurt, I get dizzy and I get a headache. The last time I worked with a baby under these bili lights I had to go home sick after four hours due to what felt like the worst food poisoning case in the world. The bili lights had caused me to throw up and feel like I was going to pass out. Not cool!! After 3 hours away from the lights I was totally fine.
I talked to my manager and she had me talk to the disability office to figure out what we could do. I filled out the paperwork and gave some ideas of ways to modify my work environment so that I could work in my unit without getting sick. Today I got a call from the disablilty manager. She told me that I was on work modification until we can figure out what can be done so that the demon lights (my words, not hers) would not affect me. Then the real blow. If a solution can not be found, I can never work in the NICU again. I tried to see if we could just forget the whole matter and have me just deal with the severe migraines. That was not going to happen. So now I am on modified duty and I can only go to work and do projects.
This was probably the worst news that I could have heard. I cried and Chris held me and told me that we would get through this. I cried some more and tried imagining my life with out my job as a NICU nurse. It was a pretty hard thing to do. I have been wrestling all day with my fears and trying desperately to give them to God and just fully trust in Him. He gave me my passion and my love for nursing. He gave me my job and the joy that I have in my job. I know that He can take it away just as quick as He gave it to me. I know that He is in full control. He can heal me of this affliction, help me find a way to deal with it or He can redirect my path. I know what I want. What I desperately want. But I also know that He has plans for my life that I can not fathom. There have been so many things in my life that have happened that I thought were horrible things and I wanted them to be different. Looking back, I can see that God orchestrated them in His own way and with His own timing to make me into the person that He wants. I am trying to fully submit to His will. Not with worry and fear and grumbling, but with joy and trust and hope. It is not an easy path to go down when I can't see the end. I'm sure that I will have to give this burden back to God at least a few more times. But one thing I know is this: God is Good. All the time!!
Here are some pictures of my sweet unit and a few of the nurses that I love dearly. This is a place I hold dear to my heart.
My own sweet baby in the NICU.